Despair
by Eevil Hero
Summary: [oneshot] Cloud finds that, not matter how he tried, he can't forgive himself. He visits Aerith's grave three years to the day after her death.


_I've thought of a wonderful gift for you…_

The ground crunched under Cloud's boots as he neared the water's edge. He had come alone, as he always did. He didn't want people to see him… like this…pathetic, dependant, and useless. He'd tried to stay away, but in the end he just couldn't do it. Something drew him back here, especially on that day. Had it really been three years? Three long, painful years filled with regret and self-loathing.

He knelt by the water, hands resting on his knees. He bowed his head, trying to collect his own thoughts. He knew he had to say something to her. He couldn't just come and leave again in silence. She deserved better than that. But he seemed to have forgotten how to speak. Even if he'd remembered how he'd never have been heard. His voice was far too thick with tears.

He blinked and roughly wiped them away on his sleeve. He clenched his hands in the dirt, grabbing two fistfuls of earth. He felt so weak. He'd felt it then and he felt it now. He knew she'd forgiven him and in time he began to forgive himself. But he couldn't do it, he just couldn't. He felt so alone without her…so empty. He knew he wasn't alone in life, but without her he felt dead.

He coughed, trying to clear his throat. He whispered her name. "Aerith…"

He felt her presence with him. But he knew she wasn't there. How could she be? But he could smell flowers – her flowers.

Cloud shook his head violently, furious with himself. _Stop it,_ he ordered himself. _Stop it right now. This isn't helping and you know it!_ He breathed in deeply, calming down.

He closed his eyes, tilting his face up to the sky. He remembered this place so well…he remembered carrying her here in his arms. She had been so cold….so weak…so lifeless…everything she hadn't been.

"Just once," he whispered to her grave. "Just once I want to hear your voice again." He lowered his head and opened his eyes, staring at his hands still clenched in the dirt. "Why did you have do die?" he asked for the thousandth time. He'd repeated that question over and over in his head, never getting an answer. Why was the Planet torturing him? Why was it the one person it needed was the one person…

Cloud pushed that thought aside. No. Not here. He would _not_ ask her that.

"I know…I know you're alright now…but…I wish things had been different. I wish it could have been me instead of you. Or even both of us…just not you, all alone in the darkness." He unclenched his fists and cradled his head in his hands. On more than one occasion he'd tried to join her in death, but had never been successful. He still carried the scars that were self-inflicted, forcing himself to look at them and remember how pathetic he was.

He felt tears in his eyes and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't blink them away. They fell down his cheeks, leaving clear paths in the dirt that covered his face. He fell forward, letting his hands splash down into the water as he leaned over it, still on his knees.

The water stilled and he looked back at himself. "I hate you, you know," he told his reflection. "You know that, right?"

He could hear her voice in his head. "Dilly dally shilly shally. Isn't it time you did the forgiving?"

He shook his head. "I've tried," he told her. "But I can't forgive myself."

"So… why did you come?"

"Because I…I…" He hung his head and wept, unable to say it. But his thoughts rang loud and clear. _I love you._

_Tell me what you cherish most…Give me the pleasure of taking it away…_

The water beneath his hands rippled and he looked up.

She was as beautiful as he remembered, pale skin shining, long dark hair braided back except for her bangs which framed the face that still haunted him. Her eyes were such a unique shade of green that he'd never been able to give the color a name. Her pink dress hugged her form, hanging down in the water over her boots.

She watched him sob for a long while, her eyes full of a deep sadness that no other's could ever hold. She knelt down, ignoring the mud that got onto her. She gently wrapped her arms around him, though he felt nothing.

"I told you everything would be alright," she whispered. "Didn't you believe me?"

He shook his head but didn't pull out of her hold. "If you came to steal my sanity, go away. I have none left to take."

Even now Sephiroth's voice haunted him still. He had given Cloud the one gift he never wanted in taking Aerith away.

_I've thought of a wonderful gift for you. Shall I give you despair?_


End file.
